(The Lost Boy Saga part I)
Fat Mike from NOFX had a crush on the same girl who I am writing about in the “open letter” below.
The song “Decom-poseur” by NOFX, is about how beautiful this young girl was, and it is also about her uncontrollable addiction to heroin . . . I guess it’s also about how Fat Mike viewed her: as a hot piece of nubile ass, which at one point, she certainly was.
You can romanticize all you want about what the true motives behind his writing a song about her on the NOFX album “The War on Errorism” was, but I think that he probably had a thing for her.
Because as you’ll find out in the next three blogs I’ve posted here on my WordPress page entitled “The Lost Boy Saga” (parts 1,2, and 3), she not only was addicted to crack and heroin from a very young age, but she also happened to be a boy-crazed nymphomaniac, and quite a seductive temptress of one at that.
She was once a dear friend who also lived in the city of Detroit, Michigan at the turn of the 21st century.
She got me strung-out on heroin when I was a young teenager too, which resulted in almost 2 arduously long decades of conflict and strife, before I was able to get off the insidious substance, and figure out how to live life on life’s terms.
I first decided to write this message in the comment section on PrettyLittleShindig’s YouTube video from her latest ‘Songs From Rehab’ EP, entitled: “Lost Boy”, because It wasn’t getting a lot of traffic from viewers yet, and I wasn’t exactly sure if I wanted Rose to see it, or if she’d be embarrassed by my assertion that this song was inspired by and written about the brief and turbulent relationship we shared in the early 2000s.
I sincerely hope that she will not be embarrassed by my public display of this message, which is partly, a last ditch effort to get back in touch with her.
Her interactions with me have shaped my formation into manhood, and she has completely “ghosted” me by not responding to any of my attempts to get in touch with her, after I made the terrible mistake of writing her an awful email —something I will talk about in a couple of minutes—but since I sincerely believe that this song that has had so much effort, production, and creativity put into it, has been inspired by her genuine feelings toward me, which are somewhat similar to the feelings I have for her, and have had for her now after 20 years, and nearly half my life.
In the past, I was completely overwhelmed and intoxicated by the endorphins that were flooding my young teenage brain, due to having fallen madly in love with the most beautiful girl that I had ever met.
She gave me my first kiss on the bus ride home from Downtown Detroit on E.Jefferson Ave, in the summer of 2000 when I was only 15 years old and she was 18.
Coincidentally, that was the first time I ever tried heroin, and probably one of the most joyous days I will ever have experienced.
I later discovered to my dismay, that she was spoken for. As far as being in a relationship with a guy at the time for whom she doted over: A musician in a once relatively successful psychobilly/punk band called The Nerve Agents.
I was in love with a girl who already had a boyfriend, but would come and visit me in the city during the summers and on other periodical seasons over the next few years.
We continued our little fling off and on for the next 4 years, though I’ve managed to reach her sporadically throughout the past 15 years via various written correspondence and telephone dialogues that she abruptly ended 5 years ago, and has since been driving me insane. Because no day ever passes where I don’t think of her in some way, shape, or form. And If this has ever happened to you, you’ll truly understand the tragic futility of the curse known as love.
I think that all the passionate feelings of affection I had for her, and the strong growing desire I developed in wanting to know, share, and love, every form of art, pop culture icon, or any interest that she was ever intrigued by. Which was especially in great music, and she’s always seemed to really be into punk music. So because of that, I have become the biggest punk-rock and American music aficionado, and one of the last of the last remaining sincere punk moralists living today.
We both share a love for our favorite band Nirvana. We both have been deeply moved by Kurt Cobain’s musical genius, and his gigantic contribution to the dead music scene. A love that we each developed prior to meeting eachother.
So, the fact that her song is very likely written about me, coupled with the fact that she is completely ignoring me, and has been for almost 5 years now, is starting to fuck with my head.
Prettylittleshindig “Spins/Lost Boy” single
In the chorus she explicitly expresses the idea that she still desires to be with me, and she even uses some of the same sexual imagery that occurred when we used to make love.
(A): Why is she messing with me?
… and …
(B): Should I be more persistent in trying to get to her?
… or …
(C): Am I just wasting my fucking time?
If there’s anything I’ve learned during this difficult condition known as the human experience, it’s that romantic relationships always destroy platonic friendships.
I am extremely attracted to this woman, but I’d still much rather have her as a good friend. Someone I care about deeply and can have a lot of fun with without having to fear the abandonment of a break-up.
No jealousy. No broken hearts. No love lost. Just great friends, would be perfect.
But she’s going to have to stop ignoring me, and break this awkward silence between the two of us…
Or is it going to kill me first?
So, as far as I can figure, I’m pretty sure Rose wrote this song about our short-lived tumultuous relationship we had way back when, and my manic attempts to get her back into my life 10 years later, after she had a baby girl, and was in the middle of a serious relationship with a man named Pete.
In the lyrics she talks about my Bipolar I Disorder, and the erratic mood swings I suffer from, between maniacal highs –with bouts of creativity and introspective grandeur, followed by crippling lows, where I am misanthropic, overly cynical, antisocial, and extremely irritable.
Needless to say, I am not the easiest person to get along with, and I am completely aware of this fact. It’s potentially the very reason for the silence between us.
I would be at the peak of a full-blown manic episode, writing these extremely long affectionate letters to her, pouring all of my heart and soul into their content.
And I did so a little too much, and probably came off as being too self-conscious, over-zealous, and obsessive, because I hadn’t been taking my meds. I only felt like writing her when I was in the fervent high of manic episode.
At which point, I could really utilize my ability to articulate the subverbal abstract mess in my head, into beautiful verbose prosery. And writing is my favorite artform.
But the letters I wrote just ended up to be “troubling” to her, and she accidentally sent an email to me that was intended to be sent to her cousin Alexis instead. It was just an embarrassing mishap.
She had ridiculed them as being “weird”,”creepy”, and “too long”.
Letters I’d sent her were attached & enclosed for the sole purpose entertaining her cousin, but at my expense.
And my heart shattered.
All my earnest attempts to reconcile our lost love through complimentative flattery, and putting my heart on my sleeve, only to be ripped apart in a 20 second read, mocking my sincere affinity for her.
I never felt so hurt in my life.
And in response to the excruciating pangs of grief I was experiencing, I wrote her the most inflammatory & insulting letter I could’ve ever mustered, and none of the insults were based in reality. They were all lies! I hit her below the belt so-to-speak repeatedly, being incredibly cruel and immature.
I said terrible things that I might never be able to take back, and that scares the shit out off me.
But probably the most convincing reason I think she may have written this song about me, is that in 2015 via email, she sent me a crude recording of a untitled music track & work-in-progress about my bipolar disorder. It was a couple years years before she released “Lost Boy” in 2017, and it had a very similar chorus.
It was recorded in AVI, and attached to an image with some abstract design. When I get the tools to transfer the recorded document to mp4 or mp3, I will definitely post it, so you can draw your own conclusion.
It is about my Bipolar Disorder, and her affinity towards me. Making sexual references just like in “Lost Boy”.
The 1st verse goes “I know it’s your bad side. Can we lie, can we lie down?”, and is repeated to the chorus. It refered to the fact that I suffer from mood swings, and her secret affection for me.
It was just her and an acoustic guitar, but it was great, just like the highly polished version of “Lost Boy”: the 2nd track on her Rehab EP.
I wonder if he knew who it was about. I only met him a hand-full of times, when I was young, and heavily addicted to drugs.
I don’t think he cared too much for me then, but the fact that he played on the track, makes me think that he must have gotten over the animosity, and realized that I was just an impressionable 16 year old kid when I got addicted to heroin, and Rose was the first person I ever used with.
She shot me up and kissed me, and it was all over.
I’m glad that she finally got clean, and is making great music again, but to get back to the video that plays over the song…
The two main people she is singing about is presumably me & her, but in the video it is of two men.
One of which seems to be manic, and living in a deluded fantasy world, where the two of them are together happily as you can see, when he lays across the other guys lap smiling, and enjoying every minute of it.
But in reality, they are separated, and in the case of the film, by a partition, or plaster wall, in which a hole is dug, so they can share some unknown smokable substance via a “shotgun” inhalation between the two of them.
That has a very personal meaning to me, which I’m not going to discuss here due to privacy issues, and it’s non necessity, but that is supposed to be our connection, which was initiated upon a common interest we shared: getting high.
The reason two men in the video are portrayed as being gay, is because that there was some confusion as to how I identified my sexuality as being at the time, or at least, how I wanted it to be identified by others as.
I had an old tattoo of a gay male friend of mine’s name, who has since passed away of a heroin overdose, on my upper left arm, but I had it covered by a big portrait tattoo of a favorite 19th century philosopher of mine, and it is now almost completely obscured. But the last time me and Rose had spoken, I still had it, and she saw it..
Come to find out, I am not gay, but if sexual orientation was a choice, I’d probably choose to be, because, as I’ve found out, women can be terribly manipulative and hard to understand at times.
If I liked men, I’d be in a completely open friendship/relationship-with-benefits scenario, where my lover would be like a best friend and companion: something all people getting into a relationship should strive for. But I rather like being a bachelor without any kids. No baggage, no nagging, no worries.
I don’t know where or how she got the film footage for this video, but it is good and meaningful. And I’d definitely like to find out.